What really motivates me?

Honestly, I'm still trying to figure this one out. I've changed my mind a few times about what really compels me to move forward and take initiative. Autism has always been part of me and I embrace it now more than ever. It has been a controversial topic, although I don't know why, and I only see one "solution" to it. The only thing you could ever use as controversy is how to cope with someone who is Autistic. But even then, it's not really controversial at all. It's more of a discussion. I will never understand why there are bad people out there who like to put down people with Autism or simply deny them, as if they were putting themselves down as a person, an individual. I feel very strongly about the teachers and other people in my life (some specific people from my early childhood I don't know about) who think that its okay or logical to deny my Autism. They are usually very stubborn about it, often saying, "she doesn't have Autism, there's nothing wrong with her." There is nothing wrong with me, in a bad sense. In a more general sense, my brain is the only problem. Everything else works just fine.

I may ramble onto different topics... just have to bear with me. I found out what I'm passionate about, at least... Everyone says that I'm "too young" to figure out what I want to be or what I want my future to look like. Why? Is it because that's the overall societal "rule", that you shouldn't worry about growing up when you're 17 years old? It is only another 3 years until I'm 20. I feel it is my duty to start to plan out my future so that I'm not dawdling around when I'm in my 20's or early 30's. I want to at least start to plan my future. What am I even going to do for college? A good friend of mine gave me some eye-opening advice the other day:  is college even worth it? After all the money, the stress, the preparations, the classes, the struggle, the lectures, is it worth it? It would be an incredible experience, I won't deny that, but in the end, what do you gain from having gone to college? High school sure doesn't prepare you for college. I haven't been manually taught about independent living. I took a course online about it, but that doesn't really compare. There should be a mandatory class on independent living.

Overall, I think I know what motivates me. I hope I'm able to bring it to its full extent.

Far Away

Sometimes, I just want to be in a different place, just to escape all the madness of the city. Even though I love it so much, it is reality in its truest form. I would love to spend a week in a place where the air is crisp and fresh, like Bend, OR. I fell in love with the substance of the city when I visited briefly over Thanksgiving break; I think I plan on moving there spontaneously at some point in my life. It would be really fun. There's a Barnes & Noble there, too; I would go there every day, like I do here.

One thing I've noticed is how big cities are looked at. Take Los Angeles for an example; it's a huge city, but that's not what everyone focuses on. They all like to point out L.A.'s bad side and the negatives of living in such an enormous city, such as the smog and the crime, etc. I always try to look at the brighter side of things when the general public thinks otherwise. I think one of the advantages of living in a big city is that you'd never get bored. There's always something to look at, to memorize. I think people take that for granted. They never enjoy the real beauty of L.A., like the palm trees and the sunshine. There are, of course, people that do, but whenever living in a big city comes up, there is always a negative side comment. Explain to me why thousands of people live there, then. I view big cities as huge opportunities to expand your abilities and skills, to hone them into something extraordinary. I would love to live in L.A. even if just for a month or so.

My favorite part about life is that we can travel wherever we want to; except the cost of traveling and schedules holds us back. I want to travel as much as I can when I am able to; if I'm going to live on this planet, I want to be able to see it. Who knows what the future keeps? Anything could happen.

I am...

For the past fourteen years of my life, an oddly unreachable fear has been stashed in the back of my mind. In a box, waiting for my maturity, lie continuous battles of my own teachers denying me without me ever knowing it. I've just recently been able to see this war rage on with brand new eyes. I can finally acknowledge that I was too young to understand and too dumb to wonder about it. Living with Autism has proved to be a personal struggle for me ever since I was three years old, when I was diagnosed.

Being shoved into a scenario almost every grade level where my teachers have the slightest clue of who I am is progress to the highest degree. Having it slip through my fingers and come out from under my feet is simply unbearable. Even when I was fully aware of this, I had absolutely no power to stop the inevitable from happening. I've stared into the face of restriction and denial too many times, all simply with the shake of a head. The hassle of fitting into a new school again and again has chipped away at my self-confidence. Making people, namely teachers, understand me was a whole other story as well as a persistent need to cling onto.

All my life, societal "do's" and "don'ts'" have been revolving around me. I've realized over the past few years that what society senses as a weakness, I perceive as a strength. A real-life example of this comes from eighth grade, when I was self-conscious of telling people that I am on the spectrum. When the time came to prepare and later present my Purple Project, I realized that having this "disability" isn't even a "disability" at all. Autism is a gift that allows me to see the world completely different; I actually pity people for not being able to see the way I do.

            Every day, something is being thrown at me, demanding my attention and begging to be dealt with. A task as small as getting ready for school, for example, could be a hassle. It is sometimes for me; time management isn't always on my side. In other words, there is no "perfect world." Everything is scattered into a billion unplanned pieces. When things get out of place or I feel meek, that's when it gets infinitely hard to verbally express what I really want to say. That's why I've turned to writing.

            The possibility of not succeeding in something that I'm passionate about is another fear of mine. It's recently been an ongoing thought in my mind. I'm scared of not being able to reach the top of where I want to be because of my ability to do something. Being rejected in a business sense or personal sense is yet another example of this. It's a realistic terror that has set in because of society's imaginary "success ladder" that doesn't let up for anyone.

            Loneliness has no escape; it's inevitable. On some days, it's hard to cope. Out of all the things that usually have common ground, this one hardly has any. Sure, there is when I'm around someone, but what about the rest of the time? Society has taught me one thing about loneliness:  it's a sin, but a normal thing to feel. Then why do I feel it so often? Isn't there any cure, or a fix? Sometimes, but no permanent fixes, sadly. Any temporary fixes include huge, stuffed teddy bears. That sense of security and safeness is important to me, as well as others.

            After all the turmoil has taken its course, it's undoubtedly hard to put myself back together. It can be done, though. Ultimately, seeing all of these reasons as motivation to stay strong and to keep going is crucial as living is to breathing fresh, crisp air. When society hands you lemons, throw them back in its face.

My Struggle

Everyone's struggle is different than others. Mine is constant; it keeps coming and coming and sometimes I don't know what to do about it. This is only the beginning of the reel that is my life.

I wrote an essay about a month ago, talking about what it's like to be Autistic. This is what I want to write about when everyone's least expecting it. I want to shock people. I want them to see what it's like to be passed in the halls and be completely overlooked.

My next post will include the whole essay. It would mean a lot to me if you took a few minutes to read it. It is basically a stripped down version of me. It explains a few major inner demons and a few inescapable fears of mine. I turned this in to my English teacher with the utmost confidence.

I will absolutely will take requests of things to write about; specific questions about a certain topic help because it gives me a base for my writing. I can look up random topics to write about, too.

I want my voice to be heard. This is a way for me to communicate with the outer world and beyond... the other day I realized just how much my passion for writing can be ignited with a simple thought. I hope to bring my writing to life; to give it vibrant colors and to leave a lasting impression. I would love the chance to turn this into a reality.